granted of

granted of,
the smiles that tell me things will be fine
the cartoon shows - Pickle Rick, Idiot Morty,
                                 Tom & Jerry
the night walks, of movies & bars
the drunk blubbers, your red cheeks
the stay up night texts
the stay-home nights
the one-hour sending me home bus rides
the waking up early sending me to school rides
the picnic you planned
the dinner with your family nights
the last birthday I spent which you planned
the foolish comical burger Pjs i worn of yours
the Spotify playlist you made for me
the simple spaghettis with store-brought sauces
the first bites of food you always offered me first
the jokes I don't seemed to get
the pictures of how I looked asleep
the food ventures round your vicinity
the love you give
the love you continued to give when I was about to give up

replaced by
the fights
the 'we both are right'
the insensitivity
the distance
the blaming game
the never-listening
the never-sharing vulnerability
the finding easier comfort in someone's arms
the lost of respect
the lost of trust
the break-up(s)
the lack of understanding
the constant unhappiness
the eventual part

how did we end up
with this berserk ego tearing us apart

never did I know
how I reduced my self-esteem and respect
for you
and myself before
it was an awful place
I felt awful in skins and
wished I was dust and ash
my faults reached
the point of no return
the love slowly turned hatred
then to nonchalant
indifference

we'll back at the starting point
strangers
but not a reset point
that I seek so desperately
to undone
the twines and needles I pulled
twisted and pierced through your cardiac, skins
that made what a human to somewhat a beast
with fears that the world will hurt him again
that the light will never seemed to shined the same way
ever again.

you are always here
a part of me
because in my dictionary I do not have "un-love"
do not know how to
for something that was real
yet busted in the hands of my very own.

love is not always enough.
I've learned
to stop dragging you with bruises when
we have already reached the grave.
I've learned
to make the decision.
For the best of us,
that we do not belong forever.
As much as my infinite tenderness for you,
I can't keep you by my side forever.

: all the taken for granted of
eventually turned what my heart desires wanted granted.

but I've lost,
all I've taken for granted of.
I've lost.

-a.g