expectations is the root of all heartache

Frankly, i do not think of myself as a graceful person. I think of myself troublesome, difficult to handle, just in silent verses. 

It's true as much as I don't believe in love, how stupid that must have been.  I learnt never to romanticise love as it is. Paradoxically, I still do love, very powerfully indeed when i love. 
I give my all and I expected people to at least do half as much as me at the very least.

This is especially true in my younger years, i often find myself beating up myself why can't have a happy family outing alike to my peers. How unfair it must have been that i am almost always not in good terms with them. And that why was it that we almost always have to come home with heavy hearts. Then came along hopeless crushes here and there, romanticising the idea that i need someone to come along and rescue me from this empty pit. I came to a realisation that how foolish i must have been then, placing so much expectations and visualising things a lil' too much. Even up till recently, i had always been doing it the wrong way, and that previous lovers of mine had also been expecting too much of me to complete them or be the idea of whom they wanted me to be. And that I was indeed in love with the idea of being in love. Not the person. Perhaps it was the things we did. Perhaps it was the things we could have done but never will. 

But this time I am learning to do it without expectations. 

To give with open arms and not expecting in return. And this applies for not only for romantic love, but also friendships and the family. That I came to a realisation the only lover I solely need is just me. 
For one day, I still will die alone even if I am bound to my lover.

 " To love without expectation, you show compassion. You remember the times when you’ve lied and cheated and fell short of the expectations other people set for you, and you forgive yourself for them. You understand that you had a liability but you did not live up to it and while you may not be okay with your choices, there was a reason why the cards fell the way that they did. You remember that reason. You remember that other people may have similar reasons when they let you down – reasons that have nothing to do with you at all.

To love without expectation, you learn to appreciate what’s there. Other people are not ours to own or rearrange or expect things from and the more anticipation we pit onto others, the more we let ourselves down in the end. All we can do is appreciate who we have when we have them, and let them go when we do not. To lend our hearts like vacant hotel rooms: celebrating others when they come in and letting them go when they leave. Understanding that at the end of the day, all we can do is refuse occupancy. But we cannot force anyone to stay.

To love without expectation, you have to be okay with yourself. Okay with opening your doors, spreading your arms, baring your heart and understanding that not everyone is going to be gentle with it. You have to know that you can recover from those aches, that you can heal your own wounds, that you can trust yourself to walk away from the situations that do not grow or aid you.

Because here’s the thing about placing expectations on others: at the root of expectation is need. Need for others to accept you, to validate you, to tell you that you’re good and worthwhile and strong. And if you can do that for yourself – if you can live up to your own expectations and desires, then the need for other people to do so disappears. The need to bend over backwards, to accommodate others, to seek validation from those who do not deserve your heart, disappears. "

and so what exactly is it like to love?

:  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is not about someone being there to protect you, to reassure you 24/7, to buy you luxurious gifts, to always giving pouring rain of beautiful compliments and sweet talking. 

Similar to the love of friends,

" A true friend will talk trash to your face but protects you behind your back. "

Even if that means getting dissed, getting hurt and all. For when you truly love someone, you don't expect them to love you the same way as you do back. 

It is not about owning a person as a sole property, but rather you blossom and grow from the other. Therefore, i do not believe in restricting people whom i love. You can do anything that makes you happy, just do not hurt people, simple. I use the theory of thinking before and after my presence was there. Before anyone met another, they were all having lives of their own. So why is it that i now, would have the need to be an authority over you? It of cause do not make any sense.  If people truly loves me, they will for sure stick by me. 

That i am at this stage where i am trying to free myself from myself, and achieving peace from within. That i am trying to let the space of where i am and where i want to be to continuously inspire me and not terrify me. And that no, this is not on contempt, but i do not like the idea that i need someone to complete me. 

Quotes from: http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/07/here-is-how-you-love-without-expectation/

Artwork from: Berlin Artsparasite

Written by: me