anxiety

and i feel like i need to blog.

to typed my troubling thoughts into words.

Recently, anxiety is getting into me kinda bad. 

I get so upset and worried about things that i can't do.

Idk it just scares me so so much.

I would always compare myself against myself of being that girl who is top in class during primary school days and how i really love to study then.

But know even when there is a love for learning but my snail speed and pea brain isn't helping me esp in my maths and sciences and even my relatively subj i am good in, which is chinese is also sliding off against my grip.

i really really wanted to cry.

i wished i could cry. 

Maybe it'd be better.

but idk since young i have been taught by my dad 'Don't cry' . 

i couldn cry easily.

panic attacks because i am really afraid i can't do well in O's and i will disappoint my mum, i know she's tough trying to support me and my bro and stuffs. i won't elaborate much bcuz the rest gets really personal.

Yesterday i went to the library, comfort was found in magazines i'd always liked before started to read through the bio textbook.

and something sweet is always what's needed to get me by.

i took the longer route home and was glad i could help to give directions to a lady. People who were really close to me would know that i am not unsociable but just a little awkward and shy , but i would talk to you if you start talking ;-)

so night was made with this friendly stranger. 

x

But today late afternoon i got anxiety attacks again. i wish i meant to people as much as they meant to me. Tried to cheer up a friend and spoke up for her but feels like me and her don't matter anyways and i was being pushed away so yeah. 

chinese grades was depressing.

bio chapters were confusing.

tuition was till late night.

i do know that bad thoughts are only in my mind. but i want not just to live life but to do something, but right now it's just feels weird like something's not right and even when i am studying, these thoughts crept even when i tried to shut them up.

and i think the problem is always with me doing what i like more than what i should be doing. 

like i really want to learn watercolor painting and just out of a dumb and rash decision i told my dad about that. completely forgotten my o's . 

yes i could learn, yes i could play but i really need to prioritise to deserve the break that i could get.

and oh well, my ever messy table. ( i clear every week but it gets back the same)

and 

"Nothing great ever comes easy." 

x