Friendship

Today i am writing on the theme of friendship. Almost everyone have a need for friends, someone to help and guide us along the way of growth; and in turn we gave them back the same or even more as well. Some of us even value certain friends to the extend to be regarded as part of our own family. Friendships are very powerful indeed.

Yet, what happens when a deep rooted friendship has now been on the rocks, against stormy tides and waves? That no matter what other efforts were made to show love for the other, nothing is never going to be the same again. There is only a dead knot in the heart that can't be un knot but only could be cut away. If only you choose to bear the pain and cut it away to embrace the new start.

Out of the many groups of friends scattered here and there, i have one bestfriend. Yet these recent 1/2 years we had been fighting and disagreeing to many things. I felt that i am losing her, while on the other hand she felt that she is losing me. Truth is, things changed. I changed. And change is always inevitable. Right now it's 2am and i am reflecting about our friendship and what was all the factors that drove us to this devastating corner. 

1) I never like the idea of having to choose one person whom i love between another. 

As the saying goes, if someone is your true friend, they will think in your shoes as well. Truth is, people also do care for themselves first, and from her perspective i believe things ain't that nice for her. However, i do not want to choose. I do not want to lose people i love. Honestly, who would want that? 

2) I don't fully blame her. I didn set the ground rules from the start. 

We both met at a very young age of 10, almost a decade ago. Pretty much we saw each other grew yet i'm pretty sure i know her better than she knows me.  At that young age, all i do was to listen, agree and always be there for her. I wish in those tender age i picked up more fights and make stands on my beliefs.. Each year, our time with each other grew lesser, yet she never occupy lesser space as my bestfriend. I guess for her it might had felt like she could not be as reliant on me as before. For, i can no longer be always there for her due to other commitments. Although i always still do try my best and go through lengths she don't see just to make her happy. 

3) Changing is a threat in our friendship (according to her) 

I am constantly changing, open to new ideas, and flexible. I accept change as part of growth and part & parcel of life.  Yet, due to my mindset it clashes with hers. As an opposite of me, she has a fixed mindset and yes it's certainly great to have a plan. But what happens if things do not go according to plan? If you can't change situations and others; the only thing you can change is only your own mindset. I believe i was there offering useful advice at least 75% of the time to help solve problems that arises. 

4) Respect is still important in a friendship. 

I know we are close, and comfortable with each other. Yet, i had heard countless of insensitive remarks of different things about me. It could be about my appearance, it could be about my skills in doing something, just something i am lacking in. I believe as a bestfriend it would certainly be better to uplift than to show me that i am not good enough.

I share secrets to you and even if the other party is also someone i know/a friend i still don't think it is that nice to share what i shared to you with them without my consent.  By doing so will only made me not want to share more about myself to you. 

5) Emotionally Draining

I know of your circumstances and why you are constantly sad about things. I know you are someone who will want to cry it out to feel better. However unlike you, i don't believe crying helps to solve any problem. There is not much point whining over split milk and expect the same milk to be back in the bottle again. I attempt to tell you why you shouldn cry as much, i want you to grow, i want you to be emotionally stronger. I know being human, you do will get upset but i do not want you to let little things ruin your happiness. You deserve to be happy, nevertheless.  

Knowing you are constantly very stressed out, how do i tell you that much of my problems revolved around my inability to make you happy ? As well as other things that has been happening in my life. You are important to me, your happiness comes first, mine second. 

On the contrary, this does has a negative side effect, i became more selfish and instead of turning to you when i had problems i prefer to tell it briefly to others or even simply dealing with it alone. I don't want people to be worried about me, especially when everyone is already fighting a hard battle everyday. As time passes, i only grew to be more independent and expected you to be the same. 

6) Many obvious things are being seen as part of the ordinary

Comfortable makes us neglect the little things we did for one another.  I do not like certain hobbies of yours but i will still try and keep up with your interests because i want to see you smile , i want to be part of your happiness. I believed i could have gone ahead and explore other career paths, but i also like the idea of how we could be partners in the future, working together. 

And even when i am dead tired, if you need my help in something, i always, always tries my best to do something unless i really can't. 

Similarly, i know you will also try to know about me and my life, things of my likes and dislikes.

Yet, if only you find out that one of my dislikes is being unappreciated. I don't need praises, instead i hope that you actually also do see my efforts. 

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I ain't sure what's the next step supposed to be, why are things always ending up in a never ending vicious cycle? Both of us are so worn out to even step in to make a change. Yet i still believe, it's just in the mindset. If the mindsets continue to collide, no matter how many times we reconcile, we will only fall out all over again.