chasing shadows of myself
It's been long since i last written something that i fear writing. and here i am now, writing even though i'm terrified. I am not really certain if this was a good or bad sign, since i suppose the truth's written when you are terrified.
I always wonder to myself how do relationships work out? In school we learn formulas to solve equations and styles of answering questions; yet when it comes down to feelings, to love, is there a clear boundary to who is right, and who is wrong?
Sometimes i wonder was it just my own selfish, that things can't seem to be working out and various cycles seems to unwind then rewind back again itself. Was i, really someone who is incapable of love? Yet, on the constrast, what if i was just really passionate about life and i seem to fall in love every single day, with moments and lots of different people?
Now, all i was was like an empty walking shell. Subconsciously, i encapsulated my own passions and followed what was deemed as "right/best" even when that's not my soul truly seeks to be. I seek intimacy, yet not always up to commit.
I understand that my own problems can't be solve by anyone else except me. It's our own responsibility to take care of our own emotions and experience that we do not expect others to calm ourselves down. Because ultimately, all of us are still lone rangers. And if you can't stand the mere fact of being by yourself, how do you be together with someone else?
These coming of days i felt unreal, that i ain't able to dance/sing around freely, or yell or laugh wholeheartedly. It seems that the things that tickle my humour system has no one else to share with. Yet i still laugh, like an idiot on my own. I still dance, like an idiot on my own. The one who held hands with me, all i could see was him attempting to make me happy; but we can't seem to fully enjoy the happy in each other's company.
And how i wish i could convey the fact that it isn necessary to always paint a smile on my face, that i wish i could freely speak of raw, naked thoughts with open mind. For, each individual has their own perception of things. It doesn means they are stupid, but perhaps they see things in a different light than you do. I firmly acknowledge the fact that no other being could be your saviour.
Was it really a matter of taking someone for granted? I'd not think so, for with open arms i give as well without expecting anything in return. The past not only is hindering me but is hindering him as well - of fears we both have. We both fear to lose each other, of different reasons. I fear losing comfort while he fears of the past repeating itself again, almost very certain that i will be one of the people in his life who came over back and forth, forth and back again.
In a relationship, at least to me, will be best to achieve an equilibrium. This means we must be careful not to give more than what the other is able to receive. When we give too much, the one receiving can feel overwhelmed, inadequate and burdened. We must step back after we give and wait for the other to balance what he or she has gained. I know, when you feel tremendous feelings for someone you can't wait to do everything for them, and maybe subconsciously wants the mirror of what you've done. Or even if you don't, it pressures the other to try to keep up and give you the same.
I feel like i'm becoming a walking paradox. My thoughts, my actions don't seems to coincide and do the same. And somehow, yes, it's human nature to be a contradict. This is because, unlike robots who are programmed on what to react to each situation. We humans, have free will, and free will also means that we can act accordingly to our feelings or even in opposite of them. So what happens to every action? In newton's law, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So this energy of resultant action will transcend to your environment, affecting yourself and others around you. That's how powerful our thoughts can be.
I say i love you, but i do things that could possibly hurt you. My actions show signs of love; but my mind thinks of everything as temporary and only a passing fancy. I tell myself, stop intertwining with souls i don't want to break but i continue holding their hands. Pretending we are dancing together with the demons and not actually hynotize by them.
So, tell me, when is this viscous cycle going to end?
With everything i face that do not seems to make sense.
Am i really drawing these dark shadows in my mind in overthinking ;
or is my instinct pointing cues for me that i didn dare to acknowledge and think?
-a.g
I always wonder to myself how do relationships work out? In school we learn formulas to solve equations and styles of answering questions; yet when it comes down to feelings, to love, is there a clear boundary to who is right, and who is wrong?
Sometimes i wonder was it just my own selfish, that things can't seem to be working out and various cycles seems to unwind then rewind back again itself. Was i, really someone who is incapable of love? Yet, on the constrast, what if i was just really passionate about life and i seem to fall in love every single day, with moments and lots of different people?
Now, all i was was like an empty walking shell. Subconsciously, i encapsulated my own passions and followed what was deemed as "right/best" even when that's not my soul truly seeks to be. I seek intimacy, yet not always up to commit.
I understand that my own problems can't be solve by anyone else except me. It's our own responsibility to take care of our own emotions and experience that we do not expect others to calm ourselves down. Because ultimately, all of us are still lone rangers. And if you can't stand the mere fact of being by yourself, how do you be together with someone else?
These coming of days i felt unreal, that i ain't able to dance/sing around freely, or yell or laugh wholeheartedly. It seems that the things that tickle my humour system has no one else to share with. Yet i still laugh, like an idiot on my own. I still dance, like an idiot on my own. The one who held hands with me, all i could see was him attempting to make me happy; but we can't seem to fully enjoy the happy in each other's company.
And how i wish i could convey the fact that it isn necessary to always paint a smile on my face, that i wish i could freely speak of raw, naked thoughts with open mind. For, each individual has their own perception of things. It doesn means they are stupid, but perhaps they see things in a different light than you do. I firmly acknowledge the fact that no other being could be your saviour.
Was it really a matter of taking someone for granted? I'd not think so, for with open arms i give as well without expecting anything in return. The past not only is hindering me but is hindering him as well - of fears we both have. We both fear to lose each other, of different reasons. I fear losing comfort while he fears of the past repeating itself again, almost very certain that i will be one of the people in his life who came over back and forth, forth and back again.
In a relationship, at least to me, will be best to achieve an equilibrium. This means we must be careful not to give more than what the other is able to receive. When we give too much, the one receiving can feel overwhelmed, inadequate and burdened. We must step back after we give and wait for the other to balance what he or she has gained. I know, when you feel tremendous feelings for someone you can't wait to do everything for them, and maybe subconsciously wants the mirror of what you've done. Or even if you don't, it pressures the other to try to keep up and give you the same.
I feel like i'm becoming a walking paradox. My thoughts, my actions don't seems to coincide and do the same. And somehow, yes, it's human nature to be a contradict. This is because, unlike robots who are programmed on what to react to each situation. We humans, have free will, and free will also means that we can act accordingly to our feelings or even in opposite of them. So what happens to every action? In newton's law, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So this energy of resultant action will transcend to your environment, affecting yourself and others around you. That's how powerful our thoughts can be.
I say i love you, but i do things that could possibly hurt you. My actions show signs of love; but my mind thinks of everything as temporary and only a passing fancy. I tell myself, stop intertwining with souls i don't want to break but i continue holding their hands. Pretending we are dancing together with the demons and not actually hynotize by them.
So, tell me, when is this viscous cycle going to end?
With everything i face that do not seems to make sense.
Am i really drawing these dark shadows in my mind in overthinking ;
or is my instinct pointing cues for me that i didn dare to acknowledge and think?
-a.g
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