The tides constantly tries to engulfs a girl who refused to sink.

Being a teen sucks. It sucks real bad. Recently I made some new friends which is good. But, I realised how insignificant I am to the people around me. Maybe I am a little active on insta which got you people's attention. But I ain't no cool kid, I am just agnes.  And It's like yes, I do have nice and lovely friends but everyone has got their own problems and that they have their own struggles. Since young , I had never like to open up my feelings with people, it makes me feel really very vulnerable; like the feeling where they know a lot about you they are like gonna use it back on you or something. My life isn't as happy as seen in my photos, I live a life of much solitude, yes I like it that way but the emptiness that I have been feeling for a long time is real. So many time I tried to open up to people more, but it's just don't work out. My parents don't understand because they work most of the time, my dad taught me hard since young. He never pampers me , I am the child who don't get what toys that I want, even with a tantrum. Not allowed to go to friend's birthday party, not allowed to .. and not allowed to ...He always made me cry with his unreasonable commands and firmly demands me not to cry, I cannot control my tears of course but well I cannot cry because that's the rule in the family. All I wanted last time was to be normal, like a normal kid. I always wish for a nice family, I know my family are all nice people on individuals but they have cold wars against each other, fighting adults battles that they think kids don't understand. Yes, I do not understand. We live in one roof, why don't we love each other more instead of the frequent hurting sarcasm ? My mum a really tough woman though she's does made me frustrated sometimes. & for my dad I knows he works hard for the family as well with only a day off per week. Our frequent conversation: "did you run today? Did you write your 经 ? (some Buddhist text) "   It's feels like a dream, something unreal, but I always do hope my mum and dad could get along better; like they could care more for each other. And I secretly hope I could communicate better with my dad. I know I told close friends I hate him, but truth is I wished; he was more of a normal dad. Maybe you'd get what I mean; I think a little too much, I grow a little bit more mature than the rest of them.My tiny head is always full of problems like this. Recently, I had been spending some money which I usually does during the holidays; however I only uses the money I got for daily pocket money & money I earn from my blogshop occasionally. Nevertheless, I always dislike how my mum got upset about the issue of buying new things and how my dad always like to brush me aside when it's about money talk even for essential items. It gets better now I know , but I feel guilty and useless like how I am still so dumb , unable to do my sciences and maths even with the tuition that my mum has to painstakingly afford by herself. I tried hard, maybe not hard enough. And my grades are just dropping, dropping, dropping.  I hate the self doubting feeling, the feeling where you doubt yourself; I have my dreams , the paths I wanted to go but I am scared. I mean, what if , what if I don't make it? To my dream? Because it goes a long way, it involves saving a huge sum of money to further my studies. I'm still figuring out all these quite hard. A few days ago, on the bus on the way home. I heard a kid playing the ABC song on the phone. Damn we grew up a little too fast.

And worse is ; 

I think much more further than some of friends. Scrolling through my contacts I really had none to dial, either people who don't understand or people I do not want to burden of. Recently, many people said that I changed. I admit. I did. Sometimes I get a little confused with myself too. Two years ago, I was a nicer person. I guess back then I was more innocent. Now, pain changed things. I believe in helping others, little things do change the world. I believe in kindness. But recently, I found myself being shattered, in pieces around. Like some crash paper that you throw around. You only unfold it when you need to write on it, only call for me when you needed help. In my whole family, even my maid actually asks me to help them in many Internet stuffs ((which I actually suck at that)), my friends ask for advices and I would actually stay till late to hear their woess. But recently, I was helping with my dad over something but keyed in the wrong email and actually used that frustrated voice at me. I tried my best everyday, but these days I am tired. I don't even know why I get so frustrated back, with a different tone which doesn belongs to me replying back. I guess with this not yet 16 years of existence, I already had bones that are twice that age, tired of myself and things all around. Since last year,I hadn been eating well with all the school stuffs and tuition. Sometimes I only eat 1 meal in a day, and the after effect is taking place real bad. I have been having gastric pains, even when I eat or if I don't for like the 45678910 time again. It ruins my appetite and I don't even know if I am hungry or if I not. I am grateful and thankful for my bestfriend that brought me to her house to eat some supplement which is known to help, it's better but I am not sure when is it going to act up again. 

Being the oldest child is yet another hurdle. I used to get really nice grades and my mum would tell my brother :" if only you could be like your sis.." The constant comparing is putting me with pressure, because truth is I am not as good as how they said. You think it's naive to say but my family puts more focus on my brother, because they know he is playful and stuffs. But as the sister I am suppose to be like his role model, at the same time I wanna to do better than him, show the family that you know you all shouldn't belittle a girl. But look at how I screw my shit up? 

With always the last year the crucial year, all these shits has happen. There's even more which I do not wish to name.  After typing all these, I realised how I made myself numb to the pain. 

But I know pain is inevitable, " I will be better, be stronger ". 

This is part of my untold story. So now don't tell me "you don't understand" 

I understand how pain feels like. 

(Don't judge me if you read this because I currently don't write diaries and here is my personal space) 

xx,